Dear Maxwell, Happy First Birthday!
Happy first birthday my dear, sweet, funny, incredibly smart boy. My, what a year it has been. What a first year of LIFE for you!! I am sure you have no idea how incredibly difficult this year has been. How nearly every day was impossible to tackle, but yet, here we are. Here you are! You are the reason this year was wonderful in any possible way. You are the light that I needed to pull myself out of bed during moments of darkness. You are the reason I continue to move forward. You are the reason for everything. You are MY everything!
Max, if I had known what your first year of like was going to be life, boy oh boy, I would have mentally prepared us both so much better. But, we did it! We are together… our little family of three (five if you count the cats – although I know Jasper isn’t your biggest fan… I’ve been trying to tell him you’re not so scary). We’ve survived the craziest, hardest, most emotionally draining year or our lives (maybe not yours since you’re a baby and you don’t really know what is going on – but trust me, it’s been a brutal one).
Max, from the moment you were born, you were strong and opinionated (in the best way), and you flipped my world upside down. You were laid on my chest, and lifted your head up to look at me… I will never forget the moment where our eyes met. I thought I loved you as much as I could in that moment, but I was wrong. Every day you have taught me to love; more and differently. You have taught me to love your father for reasons I didn’t even know I could. Your father is an incredible man – he is passionate, protective, and loves us so much more than I think we will ever comprehend. He would do anything for us, and he will fight fiercely to protect our family.
You have taught me to love ME more. Before you, I didn’t feel value or importance or worthiness in multiple facets of my life. But then you came along, and you gave me purpose and value and everything I didn’t know I was missing in my life. You made me grateful for the woman I am, the mind I have, the creativity I’ve got… You have made me love me and for that, I will never ever be able to say thank you enough. I hope that I will be able to continue to love me in ways that blossom the love you will have for yourself. Because loving yourself and being proud of who you are is so important. And I know that you will value those things in your life. Valuing yourself in the world today is more treasured than anything. And Max, you are freaking GOLD baby! The most valuable thing I have and may ever have.
Max, you make me incredibly proud every single day. That is NOT an exaggeration! You accomplish something new on the regular. I have notes and notes of all of your incredible daily milestones… from small ones like when you tried carrot for the first time (3/28/2020) to big ones like when you first crawled on your hands and knees (which took place at nana & Papa’s on 6/19/2020). Every day you accomplish some sort of milestone and growth and it’s an absolute HONOR to be able to experience these moments by your side. I promise you that I will always encourage you. I promise that no matter what accomplishment you achieve – big or small – we will celebrate them all the same. Because you are worthy of celebration daily! You are capable of achieving anything you want – I know this because I know you. Always remember this… you are capable of anything you want and I am proud of you EVERY DAY no matter what!
Max, some of the things that happened during this insane year, we will talk about when you are older and able to understand. There is heartbreak and pain and grief in this year – in big big ways. I know that one day we will talk about everything that has happened in 2020, and I will be ready when you are ready.
My friend, Samantha (Ruby’s mom), sent me an audio book this year. It was the book Untamed by Glennon Doyle. She sent me this book as I was in my own depression (again, you were my REASON for getting out of bed and being alive. I will forever be so grateful for you my beautiful boy). The book had a section that will resonate with me for the rest of my life… it reads:
“A woman becomes a responsible parent when she stops being an obedient daughter. When she finally understands that she is creating something different from what her parents created. When she begins to build her island not to their specifications but to hers. When she finally understands that it is not her duty to convince everyone on her island to accept and respect her and her children. It is her duty to allow onto her island only those who already do and who will walk across the drawbridge as the beloved, respectful guests they are.”
These moments of learning and growth and building our island together – you, me and your dad. Our island. Our beautiful, sensitive, and protected island. I will forever cherish this first year of your life. I will forever be grateful to you for giving me the strength to finally build my own island with your father, and keep it protected for you. We love you. Everything we do is because of how much we love you. I didn’t even know this amount of love existed.
Max, I think I could go on and on, and my eyes are red from crying while writing this… To wrap this up, I just want to say that you are truly my stars, my moon, my sun, whatever you want to call it – you are my everything. I love you so much my sweet little googy and I can’t wait to see all of the incredible things you will accomplish for the next 365 days. You’re the slice of heaven that I needed to survive this year. I may have given you life, but it is truly YOU who has given me life.
Happiest of birthdays, Maxwell! I love you my sweet baby!
